Medieval Gun Control

Anlanh Nguyen, Staff Writer

It is clear that the United States is facing an issue that every other industrial democracy seems to avoid- mass shootings. [source] shows that [number] mass shootings have occurred in the United States in 2019 alone. Compared with other countries like [x and y], this is obviously unacceptable.

Policymakers in the U.S. Have varying ideas on how to prevent – or at least lessen – mass shootings, especially in schools. The events that occurred in Parkland, Florida have shaken the hearts and minds of thousands of Americans. Some proposed legislation calls for teachers to be trained in gun use, while others demand bans on assault weapons. However, all legislation suggested for implementation is flawed and, frankly, unrealistic.

There is only one possible solution when faced with addressing the mass shooting epidemic that has infected the United States – it is a medieval one.

That last phrase was actually a pun. Maybe it was in bad taste. Whatever. Doesn’t matter. I’m here to tell you about the only way to save American schools. Think about it. Surrounding an entire school campus with a moat that is 6 feet deep and filled with alligators will cut off countless entry angles from a would-be attacker. The only way to enter school grounds would be through a well-guarded drawbridge.

Some may argue that a potential school shooter would be a student attacking from inside campus. Fair point. However, I would respond with an infallible counterargument: give every student in the school a set of chain-mail armor. Now, this armor wouldn’t be made of just your run-of-the-mill metal links; it would be fashioned from industrial-grade Kevlar. Try gunning down innocent children now, potential shooters! Some may argue that wearing thirty pounds of semi-bulletproof material for one-hundred-eighty days a year is not worth the effort, but they’re just projecting their jealousy of my brilliant intellect.

Now we know the solution to nullifying school shootings. It doesn’t involve more thorough background checks, or for students to be required to wear clear backpacks. It involves the implementation of medieval-era practices on a nationwide scale. Make sure to do your part and bring this proposal to the attention of the American public. Let us instigate change and vote in policies that actually promote the safety of kids in schools!